my polar rose

dearest P,

you apologized the first time we held hands.

i can still vividly remember that night where we entered a busy fastfood chain hoping to seat, have some coffee and finding that it is full of people waiting for their buses. as we walk out of the glass doors, disappointed with our caffeine cravings, your hands slowly found a way into mine and we held hands while i walk you to where you get to ride home. it was magic the same way that people in the movies just see the other person and the whole world seems to vanish around them.

when we both got home, you sent me a message apologizing for what you did. i said it was okay, but also there is this part of me that wished you didn't because i like holding your hand in any situation, in any time, in anywhere we might be.

the reason i am recalling this moment is because i am turning 25 today. when i turned 21, i gave myself 4 years to try to fix myself, to be a better person, and not include swallowing a bunch of pills as an option to solve a lroblem. between then and now, you are the best thing that happened to me. and i know it doesn't make much sense me saying this when i am the one that distanced myself from you, but aren't you doing better now?

i've wanted to come back into your life, but between me breaking down frenquently and you not liking toxic people, i don't know how that can work out. it is not as if i can just come to you and ask to hold your hand while i cry myself to sleep. you might do that but then you'll be exposed to my darkness again and i don't really like other peoole being burdened with my problems.

anyways, i really miss you a lot. and maybe you've already forgotten about me which is fine. i just hope you are doing way better now.

i'll try to be as far away as possible,
N





p.s. i hate math, but i love words. i hope the title makes sense

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