hi

dearest P,

most people would ask how are you but i am not most people.

so if i may ask, are you happier with me out of your life? i hope the answer is yes, because why not?

please don't ask me what this is or what it means because i don't know and i am bad at explaining stuff. if you happen to read this, just know that the only reason i am doing this is because there are things that i wanted to say to you but obviously can't because we don't talk anymore. of course given the choice, i'd rather waste my life talking to you or maybe not talking--just enjoying silence together but we both know that i just can't get back in your life or more accurately, i cannot share any life with you because i don't have any.

yes, i am no better than the last time we talked and me not being good enough is one of the reasons i had to remove myself from your life. you are a wonderful person and you deserve to be happy and not be around some toxic idiot who will just drag you slowly. i'm just glad you got out of the very same hole i am still stucked in.

this past few months had been uncertain. there are few scares and honestly, dying is not one of my concerns. the thing i really want right now, if possible, is to talk to you maybe before i kick the bucket but i'll understand if you won't like that.

maybe someday i'll see you as one of the most successful young people in the country. maybe you'll change the world. maybe, even if i hate it, leaving is the best thing i ever did for you.

i really hope you are smiling right now,
N


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