peaks


dearest P,

the world is a very scary place, and with the pandemic, it feels a lot more relevant than ever. and honestly, it is draining just to think about how the spaces we've considered to be safe may not be anymore.

of course i am talking about the mountains. this is one of the things we've shared that no matter how hard i try, i cannot simply stop associating with you. maybe because i promised you we're gonna scale every mountain this country has to offer, and i left before i can even fulfill .1% of that promise. i know, my words can't be trusted but with the pandemic, no one in the right mighd would still be out there chasing peaks, right?

i admit, the last time i climbed was the last time we did. maybe it's true about what they say on couples going to baguio but i don't really know if that applies to us because we were not really a couple and we just technically passed by baguio to buy ube jam. that trip was a disaster with us arriving back in manila few hoirs before dawn trying to still get to work despite the lack of sleep. i remember holding your hand throughout the whole van ride because i sat in an awkward position just to accomodate you. my back hurts but i was i afraid that if i try to pull my hands from your grip that you will mever hold my hands again so i did not. honestly, i don't really mind my whole body hurting as long as you feel safe. thinking back to that moment, i never imagined how did it go from wanting to be the guy that sits awkwardly in the van to hold your hand while you were sleeping to the stranger that i am now to you.

i'll forever blame myself for not coming to the bicol trip with you. maybe it ended differently for me if i did come. for someone who wanted to meet your parents for so long, i still can't believe why i never came into that trip where there is a possibility of meeting them. i am just beggining to realize how dumb i am not to go. but maybe life is just like that, it prevented you from having to introduce an idiot to your family.

but maybe i am not the person that the universe meant for you to introduce to your family. maybe my genetic code is not the ones you've meant to share with to your offspring. maybe i am just one of the mistakes that you need to make before you find the right person.

i really hope you are smiling right now,
N

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