now

dearest P,

on most days, it is just the sadness that eats me. and at some point, i know i must forgive myself for all the things that i did and did not do though i honestly don't know how to begin reconciling with all of my mistakes, the chances i refused to take, or the opportunities that i let go because i am too afraid thay i might fall too hard and hurt myself if i did.

i know that everybody falls at some point and avoiding that is meaningless since it would happen no matter what i do. looking back, i hate why i had to become too cautious but then again, it already happened and i am where i am now.

truth is, i never realized how broken i am until it was pointed out to me. i can always say that i don't give a fuck what other people will say but there is always that part of me that wants to be recognized that i am capable of doing things, that i did do great stuff, and that i can still do more.

maybe it is also my fault that no one really saw me as someone who's capable of doing great things. maybe i downplayed my achievements too much that people around me kinda did too. maybe i hate myself too much that i failed to accept that the things i was able to accomplish were really awesome stuff and not just unimportant social constructs that people seek validation to.

sorry if after all this time, i still don't have any answer on how to get out of this hole that i dug myself. i wish that at this point, o already have a profound discovery and i can turn things around, but i don't.

you know, one of the things pointed out to me was that ending my existence soon would be akin to not giving the world something that only i can.

but can i really give something that the world needs?

here's another idiotic goodbye,
N

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