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my polar rose

dearest P, you apologized the first time we held hands. i can still vividly remember that night where we entered a busy fastfood chain hoping to seat, have some coffee and finding that it is full of people waiting for their buses. as we walk out of the glass doors, disappointed with our caffeine cravings, your hands slowly found a way into mine and we held hands while i walk you to where you get to ride home. it was magic the same way that people in the movies just see the other person and the whole world seems to vanish around them. when we both got home, you sent me a message apologizing for what you did. i said it was okay, but also there is this part of me that wished you didn't because i like holding your hand in any situation, in any time, in anywhere we might be. the reason i am recalling this moment is because i am turning 25 today. when i turned 21, i gave myself 4 years to try to fix myself, to be a better person, and not include swallowing a bunch of pills as an opti...
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now

dearest P, on most days, it is just the sadness that eats me. and at some point, i know i must forgive myself for all the things that i did and did not do though i honestly don't know how to begin reconciling with all of my mistakes, the chances i refused to take, or the opportunities that i let go because i am too afraid thay i might fall too hard and hurt myself if i did. i know that everybody falls at some point and avoiding that is meaningless since it would happen no matter what i do. looking back, i hate why i had to become too cautious but then again, it already happened and i am where i am now. truth is, i never realized how broken i am until it was pointed out to me. i can always say that i don't give a fuck what other people will say but there is always that part of me that wants to be recognized that i am capable of doing things, that i did do great stuff, and that i can still do more. maybe it is also my fault that no one really saw me as someone who's capab...
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goals

dearest P, between trying to live and trying to have a purpose, i don't think i really have a goal. like most people want to be rich, i just want enough to live by. whenever someone asks me if i want to be rich, i never answered with a straight yes because i know that being rich means having more than other people do and our resources are finite so having more, means someone would have less and i don't really understand why people would want that. i don't get why life seems to be a race of having everything, while leavong others woth scraps to fend for themselves. but people still want it justifying that having more means having the ability to help. others say that that is just hie the world works. i think everyone has no idea what they are doing and they just both want to be the person in power because ultimately any goal is just a way to accumulate power or influence over something. and power doesn't care about the right thing. power is about the whims of who wields...
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genesis

dearest P, in the beggining, there was a word. in the end, there is none and this is how things like this usually goes. what started as simple greetings that turned into sharing of deepest darkest desires will eventually fall into the void. chaos dies down and everything falls silent. you know, one of the things i regret most is not believing in a god. if i remember correctly, that is one of your so-called non-negotiables and i understand that that was a dealbreaker for you, people kill for their gods, so it isn't really weird for you to make lmyour life decisions based on that. i just don't understand organized religion. i don't understand how people can follow leaders that talk of good things while living the opposite. i understand that people make mistakes, but isn't living lavishly the exact opposite of what the religious texts say? isn't the greed and uncontentment the very root of why people do stuff that will eventually destroy him and everyone and ever...
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passion

dearest P, maybe the thing that i miss most about being with you is how contagious your passion is. just being beside you while you talk about the things you want to pursue makes me want to come back to the things i already gave up on. truth is, the only thing i've wanted ever since was to be really good at something and dedicate my whole life into that the same way artisans did during the rennaisance or how the traditional japanese artists are still doing now. maybe it's a far fetched dream but i still hope that one day, if destiny permits, i'll be doing something that i want without worrying about money or anything else. but life is not like that. things happen and then one day i just can't. the hardest part of having ideas is not having the motivation to pursue them. it's seeing solutions on problems but you still choose to just see everything slowly destroyed bevause you don't have the courage to speak out. it's knowing how save the world but choos...
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josephine

dearest P, your tears rob me of reason, and inflame my blood. believe me it is not in my power to have a single thought which is not of thee, or a wish I could not reveal to thee. but i really cannot do these things now except through this letters. i wish was as brave as napoleon as he was when he sent this to josephine even when he knew that the british can intercept this and humiliate him. as you might notice, there is an awful lot of gap between the last letter and this one and i honestly thought that i already forgot about you. until the 16th, when an online book fair happened. i know, we've never really gone through one together. the other one is usually busy when the other one is free and we never came to that point when we both have a free time to go together. and i know, it's weird to remember someone on something that they never experienced together but let me say this, we were never really alone in those book fairs that the other haven't attended. there ar...
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stubborn

dearest P, i have to admit, this might be one of the longest writing projects i have to date and the truth is i don't see a definite end up to this point. it is just what it is: me trying to make sense of stuff, and you wasting your time if you ever accidentally come across this. in any case, thank you. here is another confession: i don't really have much believe in what i create. maybe because i of all the rejections, or maybe because i never received any external support, or maybe because i totally suck at this and i am just the same hard-headed person that is too dumb to listen. maybe that is may fatal flaw. i hear, but for a lot of things, i don't really listen. but how can i listen to people telling me i can't do things when i know for a fact that i could? should i value other people's opinions just because they failed at the same task i am trying to be successful at? i honestly don't know how long i can keep this up. but i will try to talk to you t...
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